||[May. 30th, 2005|04:27 pm]
or maybe just a whore.
|[||My soul feels
Today was okay. This morning was kinda rough on me. I was still over-worked from last night. I woke up with tears in my eyes still. I feel asleep crying..Last night was so emotional for me. I lost it, i couldnt handle it anymore.I started to cut. I went for a whole 3 1/2 hours, no joke. I was so mad & i was crying so hard that i started to throw up, i was hyper-venalating(sp?) too. I was scared that i was gunna die or something. I never had that feeling ever. I was choking on my tears& throw up.., if that makes sence? This past week has been so hard on me. People aren't the same. Things that i've learned about people has shocked me more then ever.It makes me sad that other people are dealing with problems, and taking care of them by cutting. I learned this week that 4 of my close close friend cut..Its like they told me because i've been dealing with cutting for 2 1/2 years now.. they think i hold the answers.. i dont hold all of them, but i do understand cutting more then ever. Its been in my life for 2 1/2 years..Its just that im so emotionaly un-stable as it is now.. i cant handle other peoples problems. Im not the type of person to sit there and say to there face, i dont care about you or your problems go find someone else who does..Im not like that and i dont think i ever could be.
So last nigh i was just falling apart, naomi thank you so much for letting me talk to you and vent soo much. I was completley on the edge. Thanks babes. I <3 ya. I just feel so useless and scared now. i dont know really about anything. My mind is so blank and drenched in confusion.
I won't .....
I promise I'll never do it again,
I cry while you scold me,
You give me looks,
That make me feel so degrated,
I said I won't but I can't keep my promise,
I can't wait for myself to heal,
I need to stop it but I can't You lie and lie,
Why should I believe you now?
You yell at me,
Your words hurt me worse than the scars do,
Can't you just accept me,
I'll get better sometime,
It's not hurting me though,
I need something to turn to,
Please don't turn away from me,
I need you truly,
If you turn away now,
I'll break all promises,
I'll do what you are afraid of me doing,
You are afraid to see the result,
I'll scar up my face,
So you have to see it whenever you look at me,
But then you wouldn't look at me would you?
You would turn away again and be ashamed
Why can't I just make you happy?
I won't do it again I swear
But promises are made to be broken
i dont know anymore, i cant do this... someone anyone.. This mess is at a constant growth rate and it's eating into my heart. I am walking in a never ending circle, searching for something I'm not even completely sure of. The scariest part about this, is I know i don't HAVE to be here...And then my imagination starts to spin, and whirl up these psychotic ideas. Then my scars burn and i feel the pressure build and build and as it pounds against my rip cage, I scream with violent frustration, and give way to my cutting demands. The sound of my ripping skin, brings a distorted sense of relief as I let the dark, red liquid drip from my open wounds. Everyday I question my existence to this world, and if I were to diminish it, would it truely matter?? I can never be good enough. I can only be me, and ME is such a tragedy. Am I in the wrong and capable of swallowing all of this blame?? Am i just being gutsy when I look you in your pale face and whisper how i wish I wasn't hear anymore? You know how your lies run like nails down my throat and into my stomache. You just don't care. You fall, and rip me into a pit of darkness.. But how else could you stand, without me beneath you? My tears are drying and my cuts are scabbing. Soon..I'll be fading too.
im so broken in two.. im scared... im so scared i feel like i need to quit. pain is only a pulse if you just stop feeling it..but this pain is soo strong.the girl who seemed unbreakable----broke.
the girl who seemed so strong-----crumbled.
the girl who always laughed it off-----cried
the girl who would never stop trying------finally gave up and quit
comment..i dont care anymore. i just want to stop crying..