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or maybe just a whore.

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(no subject) [May. 30th, 2005|04:27 pm]
or maybe just a whore.
[My soul feels |confusedconfused]

Today was okay. This morning was kinda rough on me. I was still over-worked from last night. I woke up with tears in my eyes still. I feel asleep crying..Last night was so emotional for me. I lost it, i couldnt handle it anymore.I started to cut. I went for a whole 3 1/2 hours, no joke. I was so mad & i was crying so hard that i started to throw up, i was hyper-venalating(sp?) too. I was scared that i was gunna die or something. I never had that feeling ever. I was choking on my tears& throw up.., if that makes sence? This past week has been so hard on me. People aren't the same. Things that i've learned about people has shocked me more then ever.It makes me sad that other people are dealing with problems, and taking care of them by cutting. I learned this week that 4 of my close close friend cut..Its like they told me because i've been dealing with cutting for 2 1/2 years now.. they think i hold the answers.. i dont hold all of them, but i do understand cutting more then ever. Its been in my life for 2 1/2 years..Its just that im so emotionaly un-stable as it is now.. i cant handle other peoples problems. Im not the type of person to sit there and say to there face, i dont care about you or your problems go find someone else who does..Im not like that and i dont think i ever could be.
So last nigh i was just falling apart, naomi thank you so much for letting me talk to you and vent soo much. I was completley on the edge. Thanks babes. I <3 ya. I just feel so useless and scared now. i dont know really about anything. My mind is so blank and drenched in confusion.
I won't .....
I promise I'll never do it again,
I cry while you scold me,
You give me looks,
That make me feel so degrated,
I said I won't but I can't keep my promise,
I can't wait for myself to heal,
I need to stop it but I can't You lie and lie,
Why should I believe you now?
You yell at me,
Your words hurt me worse than the scars do,
Can't you just accept me,
I'll get better sometime,
It's not hurting me though,
I need something to turn to,
Please don't turn away from me,
I need you truly,
If you turn away now,
I'll break all promises,
I'll do what you are afraid of me doing,
You are afraid to see the result,
I'll scar up my face,
So you have to see it whenever you look at me,
But then you wouldn't look at me would you?
You would turn away again and be ashamed
Why can't I just make you happy?
I won't do it again I swear
But promises are made to be broken
i dont know anymore, i cant do this... someone anyone.. This mess is at a constant growth rate and it's eating into my heart. I am walking in a never ending circle, searching for something I'm not even completely sure of. The scariest part about this, is I know i don't HAVE to be here...And then my imagination starts to spin, and whirl up these psychotic ideas. Then my scars burn and i feel the pressure build and build and as it pounds against my rip cage, I scream with violent frustration, and give way to my cutting demands. The sound of my ripping skin, brings a distorted sense of relief as I let the dark, red liquid drip from my open wounds. Everyday I question my existence to this world, and if I were to diminish it, would it truely matter?? I can never be good enough. I can only be me, and ME is such a tragedy. Am I in the wrong and capable of swallowing all of this blame?? Am i just being gutsy when I look you in your pale face and whisper how i wish I wasn't hear anymore? You know how your lies run like nails down my throat and into my stomache. You just don't care. You fall, and rip me into a pit of darkness.. But how else could you stand, without me beneath you? My tears are drying and my cuts are scabbing. Soon..I'll be fading too.
im so broken in two.. im scared... im so scared i feel like i need to quit. pain is only a pulse if you just stop feeling it..but this pain is soo strong.the girl who seemed unbreakable----broke.
the girl who seemed so strong-----crumbled.
the girl who always laughed it off-----cried
the girl who would never stop trying------finally gave up and quit

comment..i dont care anymore. i just want to stop crying..
----angela <x3
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(no subject) [May. 14th, 2005|10:31 pm]
or maybe just a whore.
[My soul feels |draineddrained]
[My head sings |Akon: i wont]

So, this weekend has been layed back, and taken casually. After friday night i wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone anymore. It really makes me think about why the hell people choose to outlash like they do twoards people. I really dont know why they need to flip a shit twoards me.. but they all know how un-emotionally stable i am at the moment. It hurts to think that they knew all of that.. but still followed through to see me low, and to the point of being scared & speechless. This is going to take along time to pass, and a while before i talk to them or even begin to think of forgiving them.ugh, what assholes.. and i actually by law consider them my family..i wish my mom and dad where here.. i need you guys, like never before.
Anyways, yes.. so tonight im about to go out with my loves & ladies.. and let loose. I need/ deserve a night of fun. Oh & check out my MYSPACE i just re-made my layout. oh yes, i would like to know if you can see everything , for example when you hover over the photo or the caption does it flip? comment and such to let me know!
kthnx BYE!
angela*
{I'll crack the sky tonight. If you swear to notice me. Your eyes promise something greater than the both of us. Im holding you to your promises. }
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(no subject) [May. 12th, 2005|07:45 pm]
or maybe just a whore.
[My soul feels |aggravatedaggravated]
[My head sings |Tulips are better Atreyu]

you said you hate my suffering, and you understand and you'd take care of me; you'd always be there. well where are you now? i cant belive i trusted you.
--1st: Study hall, walked around, computer lab, slept
--2nd: english, really boring. talked to sophia and finally started our journal.
--lunch: Hung out with my lover chelsweEeEeE
--3rd: Espanol: got fucking bugged the hell out of by whitney, ugh i wanted to smack the fuck out of her. It really pisses me off when people have to ask me 24 fucking seven if im mad at them. That makes me want to say yes, when im not mad.. that irritates me so fucking much! god damn!
--4th: computer graphics with Ms.Marisa! HAHAHA i always always ALWAYS have fun in that class. I dont think there was a day we didnt almost piss ourselves!
   so im very irritated and pissed off to the extreme. I think im going to make a "I HATE" list! feel free to read if you'd like!
x: i hate the way people bitch for attention
x: i hate the way some people think they are better then others
x: i hate the way people put down self mutilators when they dont even understand any fuckin thing about it. Go ahead and call us stupid and say its dumb, but you dont know how the fuck it is.
x: i hate it when people constintily ask me if im mad at them, and when i respond they keep asking...
x: i hate the way people try to portray something they arent.
x:  i hate PeOpLE wHo tYpE lIkE tHis; they need to be killed.
x:  i hate it when guys where fucking tight ass pants and think they are the shits and boss you around. Im sorry, but in the real world.. people dont wear other genders pants that are 5 sizes to small.
x: i hate it when people burp and think its hillarious
x: i hate it when people hit you really hard, and they are like" hah oh so funny" well let me tell you something, its not so FUCKING FUNNY!
x: i hate people that say they do drugs and brag about it, when they are really scared fucking shitless about them.
x: i hate white people who try to act black and say "you word up" or " thats chill, ect.."
x: ill have to add more later on, im pissed the fuck off

                   KTHXBYE!
                          comment.
                                  <3 angela.


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what do you mean... [May. 12th, 2005|04:04 pm]
or maybe just a whore.
[My soul feels |restlessrestless]
[My head sings |Straylight run : The perfect ending]

Okay so i really havent updated this thing in a long time ever since surgery.. My knee is doing okay, but it still hurts like a fuck. I still hope i can basketball just a good as i was before.. oh and volleyball too.. wait softball too! hahah I love being athletic..
 I my self have been extremley shitty, i think i'll be using this alot more..
School has been really shitty, i am in the phase of no make up shorts and sweats and what ever the hell i feel like wearing. Im so emotionally warn out and physically warn out.. i really dont give a shit. Sorry this is really really short.. im so not the mood to talk about my shit now..
                          comment & such..
 cells on!
         
It's the heart attack.
I'm so sick of you twisting the valve of my faucet heart and watching me bleed for you. I'm a tragic little school girl with her pendulem construction paper heart in her hand.
at one point I thought everything was ok  and now again  I question.
Ripping New Wounds for Former Scars
and i could keep slitting my wrists onto these pages that scream your name but it wouldn't make a difference. because i know my bleeding ink was never beautiful enough for you. and neither was i.


           
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